So on and off Friday evening and most of the day Saturday I studied, I worshiped, and I prayed. I was seeking God in a way and with an intensity that I never had before. I wanted His answers, not mine.
But nothing was happening.
Saturday evening, I took a break to do some laundry. While I was waiting for the dryer cycle to complete, I flopped down on my bed and asked God, “What am I doing wrong? If this is a gift that You want to give me and I want to receive, why isn’t it happening for me?”
I wasn’t actually expecting an answer. But I got one. “You can’t be fully surrendered and guarded at the same time.”
And I was guarded, because I wanted to be sure that whatever happened was God, not me. But God wanted me to trust Him with that. My guardedness was actually keeping me from being truly surrendered.
And I cried. And I prayed. And I finally surrendered everything. And I experienced His presence and power and peace in a new way. I prayed in tongues. There was even healing of some of those old wounds from past churches.
By the time all this had happened, it was late in the evening Saturday. I was starting to think about what I needed to do for Sunday. I was going back to BR to visit Resurrection Life, and I prayed that when I was in service with them that next morning, God would give me direction on whether I was really supposed to be moving there. But I felt like God said, very clearly, “You don’t have to wait until tomorrow. You’re going to Baton Rouge.” But… I hadn’t even been to a Sunday service yet. How could I know that for sure? And God told me, “Do you want this to be your decision or My decision?” And of course, I wanted it to be God’s decision.
I had no idea how any of this would work out.
It had to look absolutely insane from the outside. Everything that I’ve described from the blood pressure scare to this post happened in less than a week! I started the week shaken to the core, wrestling with dark things I’ve never wrestled with before. Not exactly the picture of spiritual maturity 🙂
Then came the prayer meeting, where God used things that I was drawn to, but yet still afraid of.
Then I spent much of the rest of the week asking myself if my theology in certain areas was truly based on my best understanding of what the Bible taught (exegesis), or was it tailored to fit my experiences or lack thereof (eisegesis).
And now I was ending the week feeling an almost missionary-like call to a city I hardly knew, where I had no invitation or guarantee that I’d be welcome. And I was ready to walk away from a very secure and comfortable situation to go there.
If someone else was telling me this story, I’d think they weren’t playing with a full deck. And yet, I’m convinced this is God.
How would it all come together? I felt like God told me that I tend to either run ahead and try to force things, or drag my feet and try to delay them. And He was calling me to walk in step with Him and trust Him with the details.
I still didn’t have a timeline. And I hadn’t told either Bro. Nathan or Pastor Cody what was going on yet. I just knew that the next morning, I’d be attending my new church for the first time.
(To Be Continued…)